memorial board

Today at work while I was waiting for the elevator I glanced at the Memorial Board on the left of it and noticed a name of a man whom I haven't seen in a while. He was a quiet man. He didn't talk much to anybody but he enjoyed his life and his independence. He made an impression on me because he always tried to do everything for himself. He wanted to get dressed by himself, he wanted to eat real food ( not any modified versions of it), he wanted to be able to walk and even make his own bed. Even if it took him 5x the time it would normally take.

Every 3 months or so, this man got sick and had to be hospitalized for another month. But then he'd come back, weak but determined to enjoy his life.

And today I noticed his name on the memorial board. It wasn't even on the very bottom of the board ( the names are placed in chronological order and the board is 'cleared' in the beginning of every month) but towards the top. He passed away a while ago but it became known to the facility only recently. But considerately, his name was still placed on the board.

To quote the Beatles ..." all the lonely people... where do they all belong?"
I wonder if anyone attended his funeral. I wonder if he had one.

References

When I was younger, things seemed very simple. I either wasn't asked to be a reference, or I was asked to be a reference for someone for whom I could easily sing praises. Lately however, I find it hard being a reference. I think at risk of being thought of as a witch I have to politely decline to be a reference upfront, or suggest someone with a more glorious title.

95% of the time I just have to check off a couple of boxes, or answer a few multiple choice questions, or compose a generic letter concluding what an asset so-and-so going to be to the prospective place of employment/school. And the other 5% percent I hope ( and pray) that the check offs are leave room for vague answers, the multiple choice questions are very generic, and if I conclude my letters with just a ' please feel free to contact me for any further information' it won't look suspicious to the reader.

Because there are some people with whom I worked who were unfortunately mediocre-not bad, but not good, either; a somebody who was usually ( but not always) better than a nobody. And I was secretly relieved when they resigned. I don't want to provide inaccurate or inadequate information to the potential employer but I don't want to provide information that would be less than favorable, either. Agreeing to be a reference for someone implies that I'm on her/his side.

And so my 'new year's resolution' will be to try to go back to being blunt and transparent. Bluntness be a tad uncomfortable in the moment but it definitely eliminates nagging doubt in the future.

Happy new year!

Back to work

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I had to go back to work. Surprisingly ( or maybe I just forgot the other times), it was hard to go back.

I knew this time around that I didn't want to leave a 6 week old baby and start working again. I hoped to go back when the baby was 12 weeks and I made an appearance at work on the day my baby turned 2 months.

In some ways returning to work after a 2 months absence is worse than starting a new job. I'm supposed to be in the know but I had to pause even before entering passwords to all the software that I use. Personnel changes, policy changes, all the work that for some inexplicable reason waited for my return, almost unrealistic expectations of the ones above me in the food chain for me to perform magic on reduced schedule. And I feel that I'm not the same person who worked there 2 months ago. I'm just a mom who works but who's rather be home with her baby, dropping off the older kids to school and picking them up from school on time...

In the two months that I've been home I've lost some of my immunity to human tragedy and most of my patience for frequent ignorance that is so common in my line of work. My commute became a time to reevaluate my career goals instead of just socializing with friends and family. Do I need a career? Maybe a job is good enough...

But at the end of the day, I thank Gd that I have a job that I can go back to.

Proportions and observations

The longer I work, the more burnt out I get.
The higher I move in the work place 'hierarchy', the more incompetence I encounter.
The more I earn, the more excrement I have to ignore (and/or tolerate). [And I'm not going to talk about taxes here...]
The more burnt out I get, the less diplomacy is found in my conversations and in-services.
The more Department of Health representatives I encounter, the less I want to deal with them.
The cumulative effect of stupid people and things they do makes me less and less tolerant of them.
I realize (with some remorse) that I don't really want to keep attempting to save drowning people, if they don't want to be saved. Let them exercise their right to die.
I can sometimes succeed in teaching people to do their paperwork properly. I don't think I'm very successful in teaching them to care for their patients. And the gap between good documentation and good patient care is plain scary.

My mood at work is almost directly proportionate to the quality of coffee/snack availability that day.

If it makes you happy...

I'm not too good with remembering to bring food/lunch to work. I was in 7th food Haven when I worked in a place with a kosher cafeteria. When I switched assignments, I first managed with 2 pieces of whole wheat bread and/or cereal and until I discovered a (relatively) local pizza shop. Soon after that I started eating there almost exclusively.

Recently, I realized that my constant pizza trips became visible. But at the same time Sheryl Crow's song 'if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad' came to mind. I felt somewhat comforted -weight gain isn't the end of the world...

Then I remembered that Sheryl Crow also advocated to use one square of toilet paper per bathroom trip in her effort to be earth friendly. That idea is so darn bad it couldn't make anyone ( including Sheryl) happy. EEeeW!

So I switched to burgers and burritos.

Work, school, blah

I took Eh to a doctor today because she's been complaining of an ear ache. I lucky 9:15AM appointment still set me back 2.5 hours. I drove more than 1/2 way towards work when the babysitter called saying that she has a family emergency. I turned around, drive back home, take SiM and drive the babysitter to the location of the emergency.

That location is approximately 15 minutes away from work, so I make a judgment call and go to work with SiM to see if my presence is really needed there (read: if I have to look for someone to watch my kids in PM ). The situation @ work was under control but SiM ( as most 18 month olds would) got lots of attention and my quick stay extended to nearly an hour.

Then, the administrator walked into the gym (The same one, who spied on me for 3 months and THEN turned off the internet @ work). He greeted SiM (only) who in turn blew a raspberry. I felt obligated to return the greeting for SiM. The admin asked whether we are visiting or I don't have a babysitter. "No babysitter". Then the administrator asked How long is HE staying? I very much wanted to say that he is ready to leave but I'd like to take care of some things that I didn't finish the day before. Instead, I said we are about to leave. "Good, because kids aren't allowed here" and some other stuff re: policy.

I'm one of the first to follow and enforce P & P, that's part of my job. But just yesterday, I noticed that the admin had 2 (two) kids in his office for at least 1/2 the afternoon. And as per my colleague, sometimes there are 4 kids who come to visit dad...What gives!?

And then, to add an insult to an injury and annoy someone who's already annoyed, one of the schools to which we applied for Eh called and said that Eh's too young. I submitted her D.O.B. with the application before the interview. Did she become younger after they saw us/her!? Why waste my time with the whole application process???

Now I'm sitting and repeating my mantra "Love every Jew, Love every Jew" and thanking Gd the kids are napping so I can vent.

The excision of silver lining

Approximately 1 hour after 'starting' work, I found out, pretty much simultaneously, that there is no access to internet and no coffee in the cafeteria.

Maybe I'll be able to catch up on my reading or just fall behind on my blogging... And maybe I'll sleep more...So long, silver lining...

Midnight thoughts

Third night in a row SiM wakes up coughing and can't seem to fall back asleep easily. Hubby's taking care of him and I suddenly find myself very awake.

An intrusive thought keeps coming up of just how much I miss my previous work assignment. Nostalgic memories of the hospital-like environment, kosher cafeteria with its brew-it-yourself coffee, hot breakfasts and lunches, the doctors, the nurses, rec programs, the morning rounds with self-important-too-numerous-to-count-vice-presidents, the almost-always-annoying-but-sometimes-cool MD and PA students, social workers, dietitians, volunteers...lots of friendly and lots of unfriendly people who finally started to respond to greetings...

(I'm aware that I sound like an immigrant whose memories over time make everything and everybody 'back home' seem bright and beautiful, educated, and polite...Awareness is not helpful this time.)

I tell myself that I was 'the bigger person' for leaving instead of staying and getting two ignorant 'colleagues' reassigned or fired. But then, I remember that good guys finish last and I don't want to be the 'bigger', 'better', 'more mature'...

Hope SiM gets better soon (for many reasons and ) because typically midnight thoughts are quite unproductive.

Anniversary

I usually associate anniversaries with something joyful but this one was somber and brought tears to my eyes more than once.

It started last night when I inadvertently overheard some of the 9/11 tv report. Then this morning, I saw a fire fighter in dress uniform walking to a 9/11 memorial in the Rockaways. Bloombergs radio reporting about now traditional ceremony @ ground zero and at the same time telling about all the conspiracy theories regarding who was behind the attacks.
TV in patient's room - a moment of silence for the fallen, recital of their names with their pictures in the lower left corner. (The patient got annoyed because I stood in her room mesmerized, unable to take my eyes away from the tv and break my thoughts away from the memories of that day.) Throughout the morning I bumped into a tv or a radio here and there and heard more of the name recital which brought tears every time. I tried hide the tears. Those who don't mourn won't understand and my explanation would only trivialize things.

I went to the Rockaways memorial during lunch. The flag was at half mast and beyond the park I saw the skyline, the spot where the towers stood.

After lunch some insensitive foreigner in my department asked what's the deal with today. And for the first time in 5 years I worked with 3 other therapists who were there by the window and saw it all happen together with me. One of them remembered how one of the present therapists cried bitterly for 2 hours until he finally got in touch with his wife who worked in lower Manhattan, the soot, the papers flying in the air, the panic, the need to stay at work and reassure the residents and the urge to find your loved ones, run home and hide.

I guess you had to be there to realize the way it changed everything.

A few weeks later I found some cards @ B & N : " we are all in this together" and " new york needs us strong". I gave them out to my coworkers and many of us had them handing by our desks.

I don't want to remember this but I hope I won't forget.

Silver lining

Yesterday I started a new assignment. It was definitely bittersweet. I was very delighted at the flexibility- I took Eh to her 'school' the first day and then went to work. But this facility is a bit gray and mediocre in comparison to the previous one. The patient population is different as well-one I prefer not to work with.

So today, after took my daughter to school, I had a bit of a better mood coming to work. And then I saw the other silver lining- the blogger is not blocked on these computers! What more can I say?

Regret

I've worked at my present assignment for 14 months. I started there when I was 4 and 1/2 months pregnant so many people, residents and coworkers alike, know me as someone with a baby. As previously mentioned, the residents from the floor where my clinic is located are especially interested in mine and my baby's wellbeing. Some ask for pictures, others even remember his name.

Possibly because I was pregnant and all the hormones made me nice and mellow, or maybe because motherhood made me that way, I made friends with some of the residents on that floor. With one of them I became particularly close in the last 3 months because she fell and broke her hip (non operable fracture) and from a very independent classy woman she became a dependent yet still fisty and even defiant and still very classy woman.

This woman passed away on Thursday. It was expected. Her last couple of days seemed difficult but she was a fighter til the end. She probably died wearing her pretty matching PJs but sadly on the day she passed away I came to work late- 2 hours after she left this world.

By nursing home standards, she had lots of possessions- clothes, jewelry, books, her art, pictures, etc. She had no known family so all of her possessions were either given away to other residents or thrown out. I took one picture she drew and a collage she made-a tangible even if distant reminder. I said a prayer for her and when I found out that her funeral would be on Monday I thought to myself that I'll attend.

Come Monday and I find out that many people from work cannot attend the funeral because, for some bizarre reason the nursing home administration decided that there must be a lavish St. Patrick's Day celebration. And her resident's friends were not allowed to attend because there were issues with ambulettes, etc., etc., etc. But I thought to myself I can still go, I heard the funeral is local, 15 minutes drive from work.

The time flew uncharacteristically fast for a Monday morning. Before I knew it, I had to attend the daily morning report and hard as I tried, I couldn't find one of my friendly coworkers who'd tell me the address of the funeral home. So I thought I'd find her after the meeting, get the address and go then.

But what was I thinking?! Monday morning reports are typically longer and more boring because they include 3 days instead of 1. I left it a bit early but not early enough. By the time I found out the address of the funeral home it was 5 minutes before the funeral was scheduled to begin.

And that's when I felt horrible, really horrible. My procrastination, disorganization, unfound optimism that I can go any place in 10 minutes or less...Unlike all the other empoloyees who were denied permission to go, I made my own schedule. I came and went as I pleased. Yet, I failed my friend. I didn't make it to her funeral with no good excuse. I just missed it.

In another hour, after someone who attended the funeral came back I realized just how much I've blundered. There were only three people at the funeral- my friend's social worker, her nurse, and the rabbi.

I'm deeply sorry my friend. I hope you rest in peace.

Roll over

That's what SiM's finally done. I think the first one that I've observed was on Friday, and than on Shabbat, there were a whole bunch of rolls!!! Belly to back! Finally, SiM!
Now for not so exciting news... It seems that I've reached that point in my life ( again) when my retention of information is so poor that by the time I get to the computer at the end of the day, I almost always don't recall anything exciting that happened ( or unexciting, for that matter).
A lousy exception is my rather uncomfortable situation at work- that periodically creeps into my mind, even when I'm at the computer! But because of the general retention problem, I don't remember the work situation frequently enough to look for a better place of employment... And, life goes on.

Thank you book

I think it was probably yesterday or last week ( though I cannot at all be certain0 but I saw on TV ( naturally during work hours) there is a publication, possibly a best seller where a lady basically writes her outlook ( not the right term, but my time at the computer is short, so it'll have to do) on life- every single day to find and write down in a little journal things that she is thankful for.
What a wonderful idea, an attitude makeover- not just a mode ani in AM but in PM as well.
So now I realize-among many many things that I'm greatful for, I'm not only greatful for the food at my work and also for the many TVs there! Thanks